Peace and Healing

I am a hospital advocate for victims of sexual assault. I'm usually on call from 5pm til 8:30am, twice a month. Recently I got a call for an under aged victim. Early mid teens. Very cool kid. Very strong and very eclectic. I forget how open teenagers can be. How resilient they are. How awesome they can be. Tonight was a good reminder. This kid was smart, beautiful inside and out and knew what they wanted in life. And in the midst of tears and pain and heartbreak, this kid could still smile, could still laugh and could still see a future. This kid was already surviving. There was a kind of peace that came with knowing the worst was over.
I asked a friend tonight, how he found peace when all there's been is turmoil? What he told me sounded like something he'd say but it also rang true even though I can't remember what he said. I will have to ask him again. He always seems happy and peaceful. So I wondered, will this child ever know peace again? Know joy? Know love and accept love? The real kind, the good kind. What I saw in this kid made me say yes to that question. And I was grateful that's what I saw. I was grateful that this kid had the support system needed to get through this awful time. My hope is that the healing comes easily and quickly. Not as likely as I make it sound, but I hope this one doesn't get stuck in the sadness and anger of it. I was given the biggest, tightest, most authentic and surprising hug before I left and it was all I could do not to cry as well. This is my one I think. This one I will dream about and pray for most often and personally. Yes I pray for them all and wish and hope the best for them all. But I think this is my one. We will more than likely never see each other again but we will remember each other. We will remember that even when you hurt there is still a place for laughter. Joy is there too. Love is there as well.
This run was hard, but I know I will do it for as long as I can and as long as my heart doesn't shatter into a million peaces. This one just about did me in, but this child's strength gave me strength. And a peace I hadn't been feeling about what I was doing and why. Good stuff. So thank you to this child for showing me the joy they still have. That wasn't stolen completely. Good stuff.

Namaste 

Trying to get fit,,, ummm yay me?!

Ok, in Jan, I quit smoking. I've done really well, aside from the occasional drunken drag off someones smoke. My house no longer smells of smoke and I breathe easier. Yay for me! My doctor will be a much happier person when I next go in. I've been up and down on the weight thing for a while now. I'd lost 18 lbs. But after christmas and new year's and stopping smoking I gained most of it back. Well I decided it's time to kick it back into gear. Eating healthier, and making a conscious effort not to eat everything in sight. I also joined a gym. Today I worked out for the first time in a loooooonnnnnnngggggg time. I did cardio for half hour then some upper body work for about 10 mins before I pooped out and decided I didn't want to pass out from being overheated. Which I was and it made me want to puke. It was a good workout and I felt good that I could do as much as I did. It helped that my friend went with me. But I know tomorrow i'm gonna feel it. And then we are gonna workout again tomorrow and the next day.
My 40th birthday was a couple of months ago and I was told to lose weight or face being diabetic eventually. I was also put on a cholesterol med. On my birthday! WTF! So i'm now medicated, smoke free, eating healthier and exercising. Yay me! I am on the right path and I like it. Just wish my body would catch up to where I want it to be. And that it didn't hurt so much. WOW! I am so outta shape!

In 12 days, my nephew, graduates from high school. He has received a full academic scholarship to Memphis State University. That means in the fall me and my nephew will be in college at the same time. I am so very proud of him. He's grown into a very nice, funny, smart and respectable young man. And yes, I think he is gorgeous! He's tall and thin and handsome. He's kind and generous and loving. He's going to be a good man. So why am I telling you all this? Because of a few reasons. First, that boy grew up with bangers, and kids destined for trouble. He grew up and he surpassed what the neighborhood norm was. Thanks to a mother and father who didn't let him run the streets and who asked for and expected more from him. Parents who made him live up to his potential. It can be done and there is no excuse for parents not to be fully present in their child's lives and education. If they aren't going to step up, then step aside and let somebody else handle it.
The other reason is that i'm not quite sure I like the idea of being in school again with my nephew in school at the same time. Something doesn't set well with me about that. But I also feel like on the other hand, this is me showing him that you never give up. That life doesn't stop because of career change. That if you want something bad enough and are willing to work hard for it, then anything can be accomplished. I want to be a good role model for him. A good aunt to him. And a good support system for what he's about to face. Yeah, I love that boy more than life itself. In my eyes he is perfection personified.

I'm Not Celebrating

I haven't said much on the Osama issue, actually I haven't said anything. I've been reading all the comments and like 9/11 I got tired of hearing it. Not because it was repetitive but because it makes my heart hurt. To celebrate a death any death is wrong. Yes he needed to pay for his crimes. Yes it's been a long time coming. But i'm not celebrating, I'm remembering. All the loss, for what? 10 years of pain, for what? Yeah he deserved to die. No question about it. But i'm not celebrating. I'm remembering.  I worked in a newsroom, and it was awful. I heard the news before even getting to work. And it went on and on and on for months. The only thing i'm celebrating is that we didn't falter in the face of terrorism. We kept going. Hell New York kept going. The volunteers, the firefighters, the clergy, the medical workers etc. etc. they all kept going in what must have been the most horrific conditions they'd ever encountered. I'm celebrating them. Not some figure head death. I'm not sorry for him, but i'm not celebrating.
I haven't been interested in what's been said on the news. I've been watching reactions from my friends and family. I keep wondering if this is cleansing for some people. I keep wondering if it brings closure or healing. We were all affected in some way or another and honestly, I don't feel any different. I don't feel relief. I don't feel safer, although some might I don't. I don't feel any peace from this action. I feel sad all over again. I feel anxious and nervous all over again. I wonder about backlash. I wonder who's gonna be the next Osama. I wonder if this will make them put down there arms and declare a peace I know some of them have to wish for. But I don't think so. Doesn't work that way. I don't mean to burst anybody's bubble but I don't see this being the end. Like a lot of things, it's just a new direction. 10 years to get justice. I'm glad for the families that lost loved ones, maybe it helps them in some way. But i'm not celebrating.
Just so everyone knows, this is a peaceful reflective note. I don't want negativity here. If you want to state your opinions fine. But bashing and fighting will get you deleted. Nuff said.

What's Blue's Place All About?

It's all about the shit in my head that needs to come out. From the funny to the sad. From the anger to the joy. It's a place to put my poetry, my thoughts, my views on everyday life. It's not always pretty and neat. I don't always fit in a box. And yeah I bitch and complain and whine sometimes. But I also like to laugh. I'm a thinker. That's what this place is about. So share or comment if you want, but don't hate. Opinions are wanted and necessary, but judgement is a thing I don't want or need here. All we think, all we feel are valid. No exceptions. It is what it is.


Nameste
Blue

Hope

Hope is what you have when you can't see giving up.
It sustains you and keeps you on the right path.
It takes the edge off of what they call hopelessness.
It's a kind of pretending that allows you to go on with daily living.
It lets you breathe just a little easier and try a little longer.
Hope springs eternal, is that the saying?
I kind of don't even know what that means.
I know what it means to hold out hope.
To keep hope alive. That kind of hope is tangible.
That's the kind of hope you have when you know things have to change.
It's not ambiguous or so far off that you don't know it's not coming.
Hope is freeing, allows the tension to become bearable.
It eases pain, and nurtures patience.
It doesn't stifle, or hold you down.
It doesn't cloud your judgement or make you wonder.
Hope is what allows you to look to a better future.
A better outcome than the one you're faced with at present.
Hope is change, hope is good, hope just is.

So when do you know that hoping and wishing and wanting
isn't going to make what you need to happen manifest.
When is giving up alright.
When is it ok to stop fighting and settle?
When do I get to breathe again?

Today I was told that a real success
is not someone who has never failed,
but someone who does not quit.

I won't quit.